Beth

Aaron wants to be a war correspondent. Not just a war correspondent but the photographer which means the front line of wars and months, possibly years away from me and his family at a time.
He wants to get married
He wants to have kids
I dont want to be left a widow
He has a passion for something that is risky and dangerous and if I wasnt in his life he would already be doing it.
20% of them die.
I could deal with it, only just, if we didn't have kids while he was doing this. But what about when kids come into the picture? Will he suddenly give up his passion? Because I can not have children with someone who a) won't be home and b) could die and leave us
But, and I havent admitted this to him, I do admire his passion and the ability to risk it all and go for his dreams.
I want to be a writer more than anything but everyone is hassling me to be a teacher. I REALLY don't want to be one.
I have good enough grades to go on and do honours, possibly a PhD. And all I want to do is write. I was supposed to be published last year and I would have been but my lecturer's father became ill so she hasnt had time to organise that yet, or at all but the point is I was offered to be published. That has to count for something right?
Writing is the only thing that I know I can do. But I dont do it as much as I should and its because it scares me, the thought of not being able to make a career from a very competitive area. The same reason I never really pursued acting, that and well, I just dont think I was good enough or attractive enough for that one (not that I could do it now with my illness either)
It used to be something that I couldnt stop doing. Growing up I didnt watch my tv or play on computers, I sat in my room with endless notebooks and wrote and wrote and wrote. I used to bring the new chapter to school each day and read it to my friends. I used to write endless poetry. I used to win competitions and get 100% on writing assignments. My "certificate" from 3U english said that I had a great author name and "WE're looking forward to the first best seller by Beth Bevan", which I know is just supposed to be fun but I thought it sort of said something. ESpecially coming from one of my most admired and inspiring teachers.
But now Im lazy, or scared, and I only really write for uni. But when I Do, I love it.
It's not conceited to think you have a talent for something, and it's not conceited to think, or hope, that one day you could make a career using the talent.
Unfortunately the message we receive from the world is that its a hard life out there, hard to make a living and all the rest so pick a steady job, ie teacher *snore*.
Would it be so bad just to go for it? Worry about having money when I need to raise some kids?
Am I too scared of having no security? Is that the same reason I dont want Aaron to go off and take photos of war torn countries?

I went to my immunologist on wednesday. Everything seems to be calming down with medication, at least according to my blood tests but when it came to me trying to explaining other symptoms like fatigue that dont show up on the blood tests he just didnt care. Ive also put on one kg which is surprisingly good for the medication Im on that increases your appetite so I thought I was doing pretty well. But he made me feel like I was way overweight and stupid.
Ive decided if he pisses me off again Ill be getting referred to another doctor, preferably a woman
Considering Ive lost 10kg this year already I didnt think that putting on 1 would be such a big deal. Stupid doctor.

We have had our kitty for two weeks now and he is just beautiful.
Last night though he wanted to play rough at about 3am so I locked him out until Aaron brought him to bed with him. Unfortunately I think this pissed off the little kitty who peed in our bed at some point.
Hes always great with kitty litter and its not as though the door was closed and he couldnt get to it.
I think we have a vindictive kitty on our hands.

Either way, blood tests again this week. Seeing my immunologist on wednesday. I hate waiting to hear results.
Migraines building up...don't know if I can take other pain killers on top of the prescription ones I already take
Almost quit work...decided we couldnt afford that
Dad offered me a free trip to Iran. I declined but asked him to bring me back pretty jewellery.
Mums taking me shopping on wednesday. She gets like that around doctors appointments. Last time she bought me a beautiful ring with 7 different stones.

Taking Gemma out to celebrate her 18th birthday. Not that I can drink but I can buy her drinks and make sure she gets lovely and ill for her birthday.

Aarons watching some horror show. I should be watching a cheesey movie so I can write my essay.
Blah.

I think I need some extra sleep, and water...I definitely need some water

You Are 21 Years Old

21 Under 12: You are a kid at heart. You still have an optimistic life view - and you look at the world with awe. 13-19: You are a teenager at heart. You question authority and are still trying to find your place in this world. 20-29: You are a twentysomething at heart. You feel excited about what's to come... love, work, and new experiences. 30-39: You are a thirtysomething at heart. You've had a taste of success and true love, but you want more! 40+: You are a mature adult. You've been through most of the ups and downs of life already. Now you get to sit back and relax.

Hmm anyway, work is stressful. I think Ill have to cut down a bit next semester.

I used to like rainy days but now it just means that for certain a part of me will hurt. I don't know why, its not rheumatoid arhritis that I have, its lupus induced arthritis. I guess they're the same except my joints wont be crippled in about 30 years which is possibly the only nice thought to come from that.
Living is so tiring, I fear I grow sick of it sometimes.
I was supposed to go dancing this friday night with a bunch of uni friends but that had to be cancelled. One girl had to work and now Im getting sore and sick I dont think Ill have the energy or the painfree bliss to be able to do much. Although we do get our new baby this friday night or saturday (whenever DAve decides to ask him mamma). Hes been taking special care of him and playing with him lots =D I went and bought everything for him last weekend and it has been sitting and waiting for him. I wish I had him today to snuggle up to on the couch. I Can snuggle my bunny but he thinks hes King of the household now and will only sit still until he thinks its safe to escape and run amok around the house. At least hes free to do that.
Ill have to make sure my two baby boys get a long so that bunny can still roam when he wants to.
Anyway, back to studies. I love uni, I wish it would never end. But I also wish it was free and I didnt have to work while doing it!

Im getting my kitten on saturday!!
Well mine and Aaron's kitten heh
His name is Sebastian. And he is beautiful.
And I bought all the stuff for him today and I cant wait! Im so excited!!!
Eeeeeeep!
I hope he gets along with bunny.
Our land lord wants to come over and play with him heh. Well his daughter does, shes really nice.
Meanwhile, im getting behind in my uni work and I have a really stressful week with work coming up. Im being trained to open in the office after I close tomorrow night ugh. Ill have about 5 hours of sleep before Im up again and off to work...again.
Oh well, mum will be home on tuesday, Ill send her up to maccas for breakfast for me heh.

So Ive been pain free for two weeks. This is huge!
Im going to mum and dads today for some cleaning-ness for extra cash
Me and Brooke and Dananana are going dancing next friday night, now I just need to think of where =\
Whats good on friday nights? Im not allowed to drink so I have to be able to dance!
On another note, Im trying to work out what vitamins supplements I can take that wont interfere with my personal pharmacy of drugs I take every day. AS far as I know I should be ok but maybe I should wait till I see my immunologist again and ask him.
Bah. I hate waiting.
Kitten in two weeks!

I was really encouraged today. After contemplating taking some time off uni to get used to being sick I decided that keeping busy was the best thing to do. Just get on with my life.
But I have to admit Ive been worried about my grades at uni, until today. I have to say I did really well on my first two assignments and Im not afraid to say Im proud of myself.
Its important for people to be able to praise themselves without fear they will be seen as bigheaded.
No phone call from Carol the office lady so I assume I didnt commit any major crimes last night in the office at work. Im hoping tomorrow goes a little smoother though. I hate not knowing what Im doing.

Bah, can't sleep even though my body is crying out for it.
Its because Im anxious over work. I just started in the office and the main office lady can be a real bitch when you don't get things right. Tonight was my first try by myself and Im expecting a phone call nice and early tomorrow to hear what I did wrong.
Then again, I also have medicinal induced insomnia mixed with my illness induced fatigue.
I guess its time to disclose at least to my journal and the probably two people who read it that I have recently been diagnosed with lupus. Thousands of people have it, and yet you would never know it.
I didn't know what it was when I was first diagnosed.
I have the arthritis to the point where sometimes I cant walk, the fatigue,the brain fog (bad memory and I lose my ability to concentrate/think straight), the sun sensitive rash that appears on my face and the characteristic that can cause it to spread to my vital organs and essentially kill me if it gets that far.
But Im not letting it get to me, in fact Im hardly even letting it affect my life considering I havent done anything but take on more work when I should be taking on less to help with my fatigue. Although the amount of pills I have to take every day makes me feel like Im my own personal pharmacy
I can get special consideration at university but I dont want to be a person that uses my illness as an excuse to get special treatment
I dont want to be different even though Im slowly realising that having this illness does make me different.
People cant see or its symptoms and therefore dont believe its there, or they think you're making it up. How or why anyone would do that is beyond me.
I have felt like something was wrong for years. I couldnt keep up with my friends when we went out and my limbs just wouldnt hold up, I didnt feel young. I thought I was just unhealthy. Finally we get a diagnosis and it feels great to finally know whats wrong with me and that Im not making it up.
The only reason we found out what it was is because I couldnt handle the pain in my joints any longer and my doctor couldnt work out what the rash on my face was so I had to have a biopsy and loads of blood tests and if anyone knew how terrified I am of needles, you would know just how hard that was for me. Im a pro now though lol
Anyway, Im being treated now but it doesnt take it away completely. and some of the side effects of the drugs im on are so bad i wonder why i risk taking them at all.I find out in a couple weeks if its still spreading or if its being slowed down and hopefully not heading towards my organs. Its scarey and I wish I could talk about it more sometimes but I guess people get sick of hearing about people being ill. Its not the most uplifting thing in the world is it?
Anyway, now my journal knows and I can whinge and whine as much as I want because well, no one really reads this shitty thing anyway and for those who do, well, now you know.
I probably make it seem a lot worse than it is.
For anyone interested in knowing more about the illness that so many people have feel free to check out this site www.thelupussite.com its really good

Anyway, back to work, gah, so tired but still anxious and possibly a little hungry.
I guess I need some sleep though. less than ten hours of sleep= very sore and grumpy beth in the morning
Stupid fatigue

Night all, thanks for listening if you got this far.

Ive decided that since my entire life has been turned upside down by recent events (yet to be disclosed to the general public)I would overhaul some other things in my life to make me feel better. Such as this journal. I would go back and delete every last post I have made up until the 3 or 4 recent ones but Im just plain lazy so consider it a new journal from here on end.
Feeling pretty damn fatgiued today. I got up at 6 after Aaron left for work, had a shower, planned to do my readings today. Crawled back into bed around 8, read two pages of my reading and fell asleep until 10:30.
Stupid fatigue. I guess its something you never quite get on top of is it?
Meanwhile, since I realised fatigue is one of my biggest health problems (or at least contributing to my biggest health problem) Ive been noticing it a lot more. I think I just ignored it before thinking I was just really run down or unhealthy (which I am but not through my own fault!).
Ahhh fatigue sucks!
You know what sucks more? Fatigue with insomnia. Sucks big time!
On with my studies I guess.

Oh my! I just found out (and apparently Im really slow) that my first "boyfriend" is on home and away and dancing with the stars! How bizarre!
Well, I wouldnt count him as a boyfriend, it was more one of those "*giggle* I like you, lets go out" type things when I was in year 6. He was in year 7, ooo scandal!
Either way, Im still weirded out by it despite being told hes been on there for ages and Im just slow. Well Im sorry I dont watch home and away =/ And Im not about to start hah!

Aaron and I are getting a kitten for our new place. A little ragdoll from Dave (not Liz's Dave though)
Im so excited!!!!

Since I have written here, even the posting style of things has changed.
So much changes over such a short amount of time.
Aaron was approved for his visa and is now a resident.
Currently, we live together in a lovely little house in Baulkham Hills and its great to finally have our own space and feel like we're getting out on our own.
Me? Well I have really huge and important news that I dont feel like discussing online for the world to see because well, its not one of those things you shout at the world and expect everyone to understand.
I am in the second year of my degree and taking the most interesting courses I can find.
I have quite a few great uni friends who are slowly making their way into my usual group of friends, and at this point in time a good support group is needed.
Do I miss the past? No, not really. But right now the future isnt looking too bright although Im not going to let that get to me. I wont let it defeat me.
There is always light at the end of the tunnel right?

I just thought I should leave this journal behind with a fair update.
I've decided to get a new journal, one just for me. The point isnt that these journals are public and can be read by other people, its that I feel really stupid posting on here. It used to be a novelty but not anymore.
So heres my last update.
Aaron and I have worked out a way to get our citizenships without being married at our ages. Not that I dont want to marry him of course, I just plan to wait a few years yet.
Things around here are kinda hectic contrary to some people's opinions. There's always stuff to be done and kids to watch and of course with all the festivals, places to be and people to see!
Tonight we're seeing Kenny, maybe tomorrow as well.
Jesse and Gil are people we see often as well as Jim.
I also met the other Jesse, we went to his party at a karaoke bar heahah it was great. There was this girl who sounded exactly like Gwen Stefani. I was fuming with jealousy.
We dont spend much time with Rebecca and Kevin but I do have to call them soon when we have our photos developed from our trip.
Aarons mum and I have heaps of fun shopping, I love helping her pick out jewellery and she likes helping me too as well haha shes bought me some really nice stuff and made me feel really at home.
Becky is heaps of fun to go out with as well. She takes me to the bar with her friends and we love to shop together. Since I dont have too many girlfriends here Im really glad her and I made friends.
As for Kieran, well hes a 12 year old what can I say lol
Liam is funny, can be an ass sometimes but funny none the less. He means well. Funny to watch at his gigs as well haha
Other than that, Ive been calling Liz and Sian has called me lots and to those who email me, Ive been emailing back. I gave up sending huge emails unless something major happens. I know some people think that because I dont have anything interesting to write about, Im not doing anything but thats not true. I am busy day in and day out and I am having fun doing it.
Aaron likes to surprise me by taking me to the zoo and to the conservatory. Im going to go sometime this week or next and volunteer at the museum.
I had a make over the other day and the girl put on a lip gloss that I happened to be allergic too. Bah
Well thats the end, I find it hard to write in here without feeling stupid about putting in minute details of my life.
WE're off to get dinner before Kenny arrives.
Goodbye journal
Its been fun.

Oh my! That has got to be one of the greatest trips Ive ever been on!
You know, cause I have been on so many and all....
So we started off leaving early saturday morning and heading towards the true prairies. No hills. Flat and I mean FLAT farm land! Then all of a sudden we take a turn down a hill and we are in the middle of hills that have formed over MILLIONS of years! You can see the lines that have accumulated over the years and its simply breathtaking.
We stayed at a nice little B&B where the people were really nice and gave us directions to the HooDoo trail and a good Chinese restaurant. We only wished we could take the left overs with us!
So the next day we got up early and saw the Giant Dinosaur and the Atlas Coal Mines and took a tour and then we headed down to Waterton.
WAterton was soo fantastic! Clear air, crystal water in the lakes, a waterfall and such a nice hotel!! With a Jacuzzi tub and all!! WE spent two nights there. Two blissfully quiet and fun nights and days. Our second day we went on a boat cruise after seeing the sites. The cruise took us to Montana so I spent half an hour in the States! Woohoo!
I saw Deer and Elk and Chipmunks and Squirrels around the streets of Waterton!
We left after our two nights and headed to Banff. We got there late and it was storming!! So we didnt see much. I hjave to say it isnt as great as everyone says it is. I mean its pretty and all but by far WAterton was much more charming ( I guess thats the right word). ITs so commercialised! So we stayed in that night and ordered a movie, Phone Booth which was pretty good and we got an early night. Today we left just after 10am and took the 8 hour trip home. Granted not all of it was straight driving. We stopped at the Bannf Springs hotel and at Lake Louise which was gorgeous!! And then we headed home.
It was a beautiful drive and I Saw baby bears!!
YES BABY BLACK BEARS!!!
3OF THEM!
Thats the end of my tale.

MmmMmm Road trip!!!
5 days and 4 nights away!!
fire places and hot tubs and restaurants
Finally our belated 2 year anniversary is being celebrated!
And I have to remember to call Liz and my parents before I leave hehe
We bought sooo much chocolate for the trip, and bottled water and muesli bars hehe
Im sooo excited!!
Deserts in Drumheller
Lakes and mountains in Waterton
And mountains and wildlife in Banff!!!!

Ugh I hate retarded 19 year olds who act and talk like they're fucking 14 years old
Yes Im with Aaron, get the hell over it already
Im not interested now or ever in having anything to do with him, especially romantically!
We were friends
That is no longer true
How can I consider him a friend after all the shit he's caused?
Between me and my friends
Me and my brother, hes FAMILY!
He has not caused trouble between Aaron and I despite his excessive attempts. Does he know why? Because Aaron and I are in love. A concept he could no possibly understand. Because he is pessimistic and manipulative (not to mention highly uneducated in social skills)
Yes Aaron had no right to say all that stuff to him but it was almost a year ago and he has apologised and he has stayed out of his way. Why is it so impossible for people to just get over it!
If the situation was reversed I would be civil for a sake of a friendship but I Guess I didnt mean that much to him in the first place.
Other to be spied on when I was wearing a towel or a low cut shirt
To cop a feel when hugging me or massaging my shoulders
I didnt ask for any of that to be included in our "friendship" but I stupidly tolerated it for the sake of good relations that never existed
I want nothing to do with him ever
And if he and my brother ever make up and he comes to my house I refuse to talk to him until both Aaron and I get an apology. And since he is stubborn as hell I happily dont expect that to happen any time soon.
I want him out of my life finally.
Hes just like every other shit head Ive ever stupidly made friends with.

Ugh I hate retarded 19 year olds who act and talk like they're fucking 14 years old
Yes Im with Aaron, get the hell over it already
Im not interested now or ever in having anything to do with him, especially romantically!
We were friends
That is no longer true
How can I consider him a friend after all the shit he's caused?
Between me and my friends
Me and my brother, hes FAMILY!
He has not caused trouble between Aaron and I despite his excessive attempts. Does he know why? Because Aaron and I are in love. A concept he could no possibly understand. Because he is pessimistic and manipulative (not to mention highly uneducated in social skills)
Yes Aaron had no right to say all that stuff to him but it was almost a year ago and he has apologised and he has stayed out of his way. Why is it so impossible for people to just get over it!
If the situation was reversed I would be civil for a sake of a friendship but I Guess I didnt mean that much to him in the first place.
Other to be spied on when I was wearing a towel or a low cut shirt
To cop a feel when hugging me or massaging my shoulders
I didnt ask for any of that to be included in our "friendship" but I stupidly tolerated it for the sake of good relations that never existed
I want nothing to do with him ever
And if he and my brother ever make up and he comes to my house I refuse to talk to him until both Aaron and I get an apology. And since he is stubborn as hell I happily dont expect that to happen any time soon.
I want him out of my life finally.
Hes just like every other shit head Ive ever stupidly made friends with.

Bronchitis and conjunctivitis
blah....

Ech!
Conjunctivitis sucks
But having a renewed Visa is great =D
Valid for my stay till November!!
Banff, Jasper, CAlgary, Drumheller and Pincher Creek and Victoria (maybe Toronto) here I come!